What If?  (#46, A special ‘Short Story’—just for my family and friends—and, maybe, to be included in my Memoir series?)

By, Lou Christen, 6/15/2018


It was an unusually chilly evening in Heaven, that November of 2017, when St. Peter got a special call on his Apple 10 I-phone. That call told him that Hugh Hefner, the creator of the Playboy Magazine, and an outspoken advocate of ‘free sex’, was on his way up and expected a reasonably well organized greeting (perhaps an ‘orgy?) on his arrival. However, St. Peter had a problem: he wasn’t quite sure how to deal with Hugh or exactly where to put him. Hugh hadn’t really been a totally ‘bad’ guy, and, after all, Jesus had taken kindly to Mary Magdalena (the prostitute) and didn’t really have much to say about sex in general. However, God had created Syphilis, the HIV virus, Gonorrhea and Crabs—which should have taken all of the possible ‘fun’ out of recreational sex for most of the population– other than the totally fool hardy!


But, St. Peter wasn’t one to make quick decisions.  He, himself, had had problems with ‘commitment’–and he wasn’t about to make a quick judgment on such a difficult case. Besides, the situation down in the world below, especially in the United States, was totally disturbing. The US electorate had recently chosen a person named Donald Trump as President and, as far as St. Peter was concerned, that ‘Donald’ was the personification of everything the vices of Avarice and Greed could represent. (There had been another ‘Donald’ in a previous Republican administration but he was a total dumb shit and had never counted for much other than for a bit of the Middle Eastern world destruction and the creation of ISIS. The last St. Peter had heard about him was that he had been seen in a woman’s restroom somewhere in Colorado, jerking off and yelling something that sounded like, “Dick, where are you?” St. Peter thought that ‘Donald’ was somebody he could afford to forget about.  Besides, if the dumb shit couldn’t find his own dick, why bother!)  And then, he remembered another bit of past history—God had a long and (sometimes sordid) experience of being ignored when the People weren’t paying attention to God or anything the Prophets had told them. Every few hundred (or a few thousand?) years, God had just gotten fed up and let the People just eat snakes or be enslaved because they hadn’t taken God’s words seriously. This gave St. Peter the idea—


Why not put Hugh back on earth and let him be the ‘Vice’ President in Donald Trump’s 2020 run for a second term!? When you have a ‘People’ totally focused on Lust, Avarice and Greed– let’s give them what they want!  Donald can then be totally focused on the elements he is an expert in–of Avarice and Greed, and Hugh can provide all the Lust the great Donald (and the American People) ever imagined! The American electorate should be as happy ‘as pigs in shit!’ (St. Peter, sometimes, had a slightly perverse sense of humor!)  They should get exactly what they wanted. So, that’s what St. Peter did. He suggested that God give Hugh a ‘reprieve’– and sent him back down to earth to fulfill his mission, if elected, of –making sexual ‘play’ available to every ‘god fearing’ Republican man and boy in America!  Not a small task!


There were only a few small problems.  God didn’t like this idea very much.  And the Catholic Church didn’t like it much either.  It really wanted total forgiveness and acceptance for their years of pedophilia—from the heart of the Roman Curia down the chain of command to the Archbishops, Bishops and Parish Priests! And besides, they thought normal sexual activity was a bit perverse and, of course, sinful. The Protestants were a bit indifferent but the Evangelicals thought “Christ had died, and He had risen”, just for them with this new doctrine and the perfect set of candidates to take their ‘God Given’, White Supremacist, Male Dominated, Lust, Avarice and Greed filled agenda forward.


There, however, was another little ‘problem’ that St. Peter hadn’t foreseen.  Women!

St. Peter had somehow forgotten that ‘women’ made up about 50% of the voting electorate and, when you got their ‘danders’ (whatever and wherever those are in the female anatomy or brains, only God knows!) up, that percentage rose to about 60% of the voters! A problem only God could help him deal with. Unfortunately, God had just become a contributing member of the ‘#MeToo’ movement (after, not before, Harvey Weinstein and a few hundred or thousand other perverts like him were accused and arrested) and was a bit confused as to just where his/her allegiances lay (so to speak and no pun intended!). So, God decided to ‘park him/herself‘ in left center field— and just wait and see how the ‘batting order’ in the coming election played out. Besides, God didn’t really have a ‘gender’ and he/she thought it best to let St. Peter have his fun.


And so it was that President Donald Trump and his personally selected (and god-given) Vice Presidential candidate (drum roll, please!) Hugh Hefner, were nominated by the adoring and freedom loving Republican Party members to head their ticket in November of 2020. How could they lose when they had the perfect representative of Avarice, Greed and now added Lust to their ticket? Fox News thought the election was ‘in the bag’ for the Republicans. St. Peter understood all of this and just was watching and waiting—for the ‘People’ to get just what they really wanted.


The Democrat Party (and the Party’s National Committee) was still in the position of total disarray it/they had been in since the 2016 election. They still hadn’t figured out why their supreme, and totally wonderful candidate, Hillary Clinton, had lost that election. Even the black woman, Donna Brazile, a Super Delegate at the Convention, who occasionally taught at Georgetown University and who had supported Hillary and helped corrupt the Democratic National Committee, was dumbfounded at her loss. But the party elite did know one, very important thing! That was: All the big donors to the Democrat Party would vanish if the Party leaders couldn’t get their heads out their collective asses and come up with a ‘winner’ in 2020.  There was a lot of money at stake and both Democrats and Republicans know and believe that ‘Money’– trumps Ideals, or Ethics, or Morality, or even ‘God’! –ten to one–at election time!  The Democrat Party did the best it could. It nominated Nancy Pelosi as it’s Presidential candidate, and Elizabeth Warren (an unlikely pair if ever there was one!) as its Vice Presidential candidate, proving that the Democrats really understood the value of compromise and were totally committed to losing another election.


However, a ‘Third Party’ had managed to get legally recognized.  A new party called the ‘Socially Erect X’tra-ordinary’ Party (SEX –for short); was just formed and managed to justify a place on the ballot.  It was led by a ‘hanger-on’ of the #MeToo movement who had the genius to select ‘Stormy Daniels’ as the Vice Presidential candidate for the Sex Party slate . The ‘Sex’ party motto was, “Don’t get mad, get even!”  A ‘sub motto’, often heard at rallies was, “If it doesn’t stand up and salute when we wave our panties, who needs it!” But the motto that really brought in the votes was, “Stand up for women’s rights to pleasure, happiness and prosperity!”


When the votes were counted, The Democrats got 10% of the vote, the Republicans got 30%, and the SEX Party got 60%.  Hillary Clinton finally made it into the oval office as the President of the United States! St. Peter got just what he wanted! The ‘People’ got just what they deserved. And—God was laughing! Four more years (a very short time, by God’s watch) of letting the People have just what they wanted, and then—-


By, Lou Christen, 6 /19/2018                                Copyright, Louis J. Christen, 6/19/2018



What If?